Silently Fading

I've done pretty good today...

B-
green tea w sugar (15)
three slices of apple (-35)


L-
packet of crackers (220)
water

S- (my dinner..I have to get out of the "family dinner")

four slices of apple
diet soda


Total:
235

I had a cigarette and a half on the way to school b/c my ex b/f (biscuit) drove me and T.M (his current g/f) to school
he drove me home after school b/c I didn't want to ride the bus so I had another one and some gum....
he gave me three smokes and a new razor yay! he wants me to come hang out with the group tonight and get fucked up, and I'm more then likely going but I'm not gunna drink that much if any..my mom quiet her job so I can't come home fucked up.
I haven't weighed myself today b/c yesterday was a disappointment....

I will never walk it through
I could never promise you.


I don't know why but lately I've been thinking alot....like I'll listen to songs and pick out what I want at my funeral....and I'm not ready to die yet...it's not like I'm planning to off myself b/c I'm not....I'm not even planning to die.....I don't know what the fuck...
What. Is. WRONG. WITH. ME.???????

like...I want Nirvana's home demo of you kbow your right and I should be thinking of my WEDDING not my funeral.....
maybe it's a fail safe..like "well if anything really bad ever happens" type thing...
I don't know....but it worries me that I'm thinking about THIS before I'm thinking about the colors I want at my wedding or what songs I want played at my reception.

So...apparently some stupid fat bitch is going around saying that she made-out with my fiancee when Amanda wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole, not to mintion the girls a whore, she wants to fuck every lesbian she sees...so it came back to me after one of my guy-friends asked if I was still dating Amanda. I told him yes and he told me what was going on. I trust Amanda so...it didn't help when the bitch walked up next to me..Amanda said that she'd talk to her and gave me a nudge to class, she didn't want me to get in a fight.
Apparently the girl "didn't say that" but someone said something and they need to stop before I permenently hurt them.
Ontop of this I had one of my friends threaten suicide yesterday...how did I not see that? it's bad enough I have to deal with the death of my fiancee's ex girlfriend b/c she killed herself, but now this? it's too much....and to make things worse she wasn't here today so of course I freaked out, since no ones gunna know anything until it's too late...this worries the fuck out of me.
Plus my fiancee might go back to bulimia....it doesn't make any difference to me, she can do what she wants but she tends to take it too far and that worries me.
As a result of all of this I haven't eaten much today and when I did eat it was little things like, really little.
Bad thing is it was all junk food..I've got to stop that.....I'm down to 97 pounds though so thats good.
I have to eat dinner and I really don't want to it sucks I hate feeling sick after I eat.

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I might write a story but I'm not sure if I should...due to...certain content of the story....
I don't know.....
today sucked...I don't even wanna talk about it...
found out that if I don't stop this she'll go Bulimic again.....
great. not.
-sigh-
comment or whatever.
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Two words: Gay marraige.

it's only legal in four states, why is that? because people are stupid...no seriously they are. What's cool about treating people like shit for having a different sexual preferance? seriously.

I'm not saying all of this just because I happen to be a lesbian who is engaged and living in one of the MANY states where gay marraige is still illegal...ok, maybe I am....partially.
We had a discussion about this in American History the other day, my teacher asked me "so you're saying that if it' ok to let a man and a man marry or a women and and women marry, then it's only fair to let the guy who wants to marry 8 girls do that? or the men who want to sleep with little boys, or the guy who wants to marry his 14 year old cousin?"

Ok, lets get this straight, I was voicing my oppinion, marraige is marraige. Period.
BUT, let me clarify:
guys who are gay wanting to marry, ok cool go for it
girls marrying girls, once again I'm fine with it since I am one of those girls.
guy who wants to marry 8 other girls, fine...as long as his wives are happy and safe poligamy isn't a bad thing even though it's illegal....yes, I've heard the horror stories, but also some pretty damn happy ones, so I say: a guy wants 8 wives? fine by me.
men sleeping with little boys? uhhh no. just because you let some people do something doesn't mean you should let everyone do their thing. same-sex marraiges arn't gunna get someone thrown in jail or fuck up some poor kid for life.
same with the guy wanting to marry his 14 year old cousin. There's a fine line between "just plain stupid law" and "law because said objective is morally wrong"
There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people (whatever the gender) who are in love getting married and spending their lives together.
Florida law can kiss my ass. Seriously, it's bullshit.

Thanks to the fucking, anti-gay marraige law...I have to move to whatever state to get married to my fiancee (who's name is Amanda) and luckly though the U.S has a recognized marraige thing in every state.
We were thinking of moving to the U.K after I graduate from high school (this year then I'll be a Sr. totally busting my ass too)
she was born in England, and I've always wanted to live there, plus they're slightly more accepting of the gay marriage thing.
Anyway...people really piss me off..seriously, they don't get what the word "engaged" means.

"oh, can I make-out with Amanda? will you mind?" Will I mind??!! the fuck? of course I'll mind thank you!!!
yes, I am aware that my wife-to-be is extreamly attractive...I am aware that most of you people that go to school with me have a hard time telling her from a dude....sorry she doesn't dress up...at all no girly shit, the closest to girly she'll get is full make-up...trust me I've tried.
But no you may not make out with her I don't care what you think...or want for that matter...
Anyway...she's spending the weekend with me....
she knows about my ED....this worries me...she wants me to recover...thinks that I AM recovering...but I've found some loop holes.
so I'm worried about what the hell she's gunna do if I don't eat, or if she'll watch what I eat..again...
this worries me more then it should.
it's a good fucking thing that sex burns calories...better yet M/s Bondage and Sadomasechistic stuff burns a hundred more calories then normal sex....ahem...
just tp let you know, if it wasn't for that....I wouldn't HAVE sex....people seeing me naked and all of that...
anyway, I'm off to go read...which is actually what I decided to do an hour ago, but then this rant thing popped into my head again.

comment or whatever. +

So, I finally got another one of these under a different user so none of my friends can track me anymore, believed me it sucked once they found my other one last year.
anyway on to the good (or rather bad) stuff:

CW:97
HW:107 (*dies*)
LW:90
GW1: 95
GW2: 90
GW3: 85
GW4:80
UGW:75
++++++++

Two cups of Frosted Flakes with 1/3 milk= 160
1/4 cup of coffee= 0.25

Work out:
one lap running
16 push-ups
63 crunches
50 wall-jumps

out take: 300

Salad=100
Two cookies= 100 each ( *shoots self*..I got it shoved at me)

outtake: 200 cals (walking all day)

Two pieces of bread= 100
w/ sugar free strawberry jelly= 20
12 carrot sticks= 420
w/ mustard
coffee= 0
w/sugar=10

total: 550

I'm probably gunna work that off before I go to bed.....god I love gym..I'm the only one that doesn't complain....
and it's kinda funny how I've gotten better at hiding this from my fiancee.
like, I'll eat in front of her but she doesn't know that I still purge and take laxitives...
I'm thinking of buying some diet pills but I'm not sure which ones work the best....comment with suggestions?

well I'm off to get re-aquainted with the site....